चीत्कार

जिँदगी थम सी गयी है ,
वकत की दमकती , गिरती हुई रेतेँ , रुक सी गयी है ।
बहता हुआ पानी , ठहर सा गया है ,
आगे बढने को आतुर दुनिया , रुक सी गयी है ।
इस ळहरी हुई दुनिया के सन्नाटे को चीरती हुई सुनाई पड्री एक चीत्कार ,
प्रलय के आह्रवान की , पुर्नजन्म की लालसा की चीत्कार ।

The Past

Ok , first of all for whoever reads this it's a fair warning that I am writing something, infact anything(apart from the drubby college reports) after a hiatus of 2 months . So , it is very much possible to make errors , write things in a different way as oppsoed to what I used to do . Forget to run spellcheck in some places(I hope the last one doesn't happens or I'll seriously have to go back to kindergarten to learn word ) . There you go then . You have been forewarned . :)And no matter what you feel about my creation . If you have gone through please use some of your precious time to leave some comments . I'll be honored . :)

Tick Tock Rumblings

Tick - tock, tick - tock;

Goes my dear dusty clock .

Its hands move steady ,

Even as I become heady

For the drops down my throat I pour

And i begin to envisage the closing of the door .

My head begins to rumble
There are so many thoughts I fumble .

Why is death feared so much ?

Is it so bad, so gruesome, is it such ?

Why is it they fear its touch ?

Can it worse than being caught in the clutch

Of the demon that resides inside you ?

Which grace with its ill presence only  a few .

Is its pain worse than that of a  heartbreak ?

That can cause you to unmake.

It makes you view the world with tinted glasses .

And you lost your faith in the masses .

So what is it about death that people fear so much  ?

Why is their a fuss as such ?

Isn't death a mere retreat ,

Where after the long walk of life you can rest your feet ?

And at last receive,
That much needed reprieve .

Tick - tock , tick - tock ;

Goes my dear dusty clock .

Its hands move steady ,

Even as I become heady

For the drops of repieve down my throat continue to go ,

And then with a thud closes the door .

Spreading The Cheer :)

Ok , first of all I'd like to mention that it feels strange ,
something almost akin to learning a new skill as I pick up my pen
to write . It has been 10 days since I have been home and nothing
of note has happened . If I had a diary whose pages I was used to
filling then I can assure you that the entry for the last 10 days
would have all been the same and said ,"I lived my day . No
more."

When I think of it in a leisurely manner I realize that it is
strange , that even though I lived my day and no more for these
past 10 days still ; at the end of each and every day there wasq
a sense of fulfilment that overcame me , of a kind which I hadn't
really experienced in a while . Maybe this is what the season of
joy is meant to do to you . So even as I sit here on this
christmas eve writing this I feel happiness and a feeling of
contentmenrt spread through me , through my entire being and no
it is not because I have won an unexpected lottery(though I can't
argue that it wouldn't be nice if I did :) , or have gotten
unexpectd fame , or made inexplicable gain . It is just this
wonderful festival that is doing that is bringing all of these
good feelings to my heart . 

I am no christian , in fact I have no faith in the concept of God
or his kingdom of the High skies still I believe that it doesn't
hurt to spread a little cheer around. Does it ? So use this day
to spread cheer and happiness around you , amongst those less
fortunate , having not so considerate people as you all to look
after them . Wish you all a Merry Christmas . :)

The walk down the road

This is the story of a walk down a road which I took a few days back .

Keep out the wind

Shut the blinds ,
Before in comes the bad wind ,
With a voice that bemoans
Of all the bad omens
That are to come .
It hums :
Of all the evil
That the devil
On me has let loose .
And while He will snooze
The work will be done .
For all the hope will by then be gone ,
Warding off all the evil on my own ,
My heart will have turned to stone .
The loneliness will have me changed ,
Will have me deranged .
Will have me transformed ,
To a form so cold .
That it will make everyone wonder
If my body does hold
A single drop of warm blood .
That so easily does seem to flood
The insides of everyone else .

So shut the blinds ,
Before in comes the bad wind
To make me lose the inner peace
That comes to me in such tiny pieces .

He who doles it all

No matter how I look at it ,
I feel I am doomed
To never have my wishes fulfilled .
I wish my life shrouded in gloom could end in a boom ,
But how could that happen .
For that'll mean the fulfilment
Of a wish of mine .
Which is unacceptable to Him .
He who on strange whims ,
Keeps on hurting me ,
Keeps on doling out hardships to me .
As if they were the alms ,
And I were a beggar begging for them for free .

I scream , I screech , I shout .
I writhe in agony as my pain make me feel its clout ,
Never you doubt ,
That in my life can't creep in happiness .
For He who doles it all is a creep ,
And He takes pleasure in making me weep .
My hardships can never be over ,
For He likes to see me cower .
I beg Him to show a little mercy ,
To be a bit slower .
In doling out to me all the pain and misery
Which adds to my drudgery .

But to no avail ,
To al my wails he turns a deaf ear .
For He likes to see the pain through me sear .
He continues to burn me ,
The insides of my mind he continues to churn .
I am breaking into pieces ,
When I finally fall apart ,
Some stranger reading this come and pick up my parts ..

Fire puts out fire

Have you ever noticed how one fire puts out another , eating into the very core of its existence ; it forces the other fire out of existence , cutting off its connection from its source of sustenance . Well so is pain , one pain will always drive the other one out of your consciousness . So what will happen if to drive away one pain from your mind you indulge in another and get caught up in the vicious chain . How do you put an end to that chain?

It comes pouring out

Tear out my heart from my bosom
Like you tear away from a plant a bud about to blossom
Make me bleed ,
Tears of deprieve
For baby that is what you want to do
Oh that is what you want to do


You want to hurt me and go
All the memories that we never hadtogether you want to throw
Like a croaking crow
Away you want to shoo me


Yes, I know you don't care
O my lady fair
When you'll leave my life will becomes bare
And like a land barren it will lie here


You don't give a damn
O ma'am
For you think it is a sham
The look of pain that is floating on my face


You drive me to the edge
So why not come and drive me over
Why let me suffer
Why let me cowwer


I know it is my fate so bleak
That I had to drink from your love's creek
So know push me into that creek
So that soon I turn into a corpse that reeks

I should have tried to hold everything back
But how could I for I had to get my heart hacked
So as I finally lie under my resting spot
It all comes pouring out .

Whisper

Whisper in my ears o Death
The lullaby that will put me to sleep
Why do you walk with stealth
When you are the one who''l help me to take that leap
Who'll take me away from all this darkness
From all this madness
That has been tying me down like a straitjacket
The pain comes to me in packets
each new one bigger than the one before
That washed up to my consciouness' shore


Whisper in my ears o Death
The lullaby that wil put me to sleep
Won't you help me get rid of my breath
For each one of it is accompanied by a tear that I weep
For the mistakes that I made
That are forcing me to bade goodbye
To everything that once was dear to me

whisper in my ears o Death
The lullaby that will put me to sleep
A deadly blow to me He has already dealt
Let that cut though deep
While the pain of it all you numb
I no longer want to live tbhis life as a stump
And watch as once again someone draws you away .
So let me die my way .
Let me die my way .

Let My Soul Flow

And this is the first song that I ever wrote .Will someday put music to it .
Rip out the strings of my heart
Help me to tear myself apart
Baby you can do that
We know you can do that
Because you are just like that


You will ike to watch me go down in flames
But all of it on me you'l blame
You feel that I'm lame
To love you so much
For you are such .
Yes you are such

I would have gone with you til the end of horizon
But I am afraid you'll love to more to pour in me poison
To get rid of my burden .
You are so certain
Of my futility
As a used up utility
You wil toss me away
Out of your way
You will kick me
But baby you'll love it
We know you''l love it



Baby help me get rid of my soul
For you have made too big a hole
In my heart
That is lyning on it hinges ready to blow apart
That I can never fill it
No, I ca never fill it
Let my spirit flow out through it
Let the wind blow out with it .



Drive through my heart a stake
That is all it'l take
To free me and you
To let me bask in the glory of red hue
You already gave me the pleasure
Of losing what I treasure
Baby you can do it again
We know you can do it again
You can make my heart get rid of al its pain
Just tear down my sinews
Then maybe I'll start anew
Or maybe in a ghastly form be lost
Never to be found again
With the pain ripping through my soul
I Wil drown in my heart hole .

The bubble pops

Like a bubble that dies with a pop .
So in you die the last vestiges of hope .
It never serves you well to dream ,
Of the realms that weren't meant to be yours,
Of a life that you'll never get to live .
Believe me when I say this , do believe .

As the helplessness washes over you
And with numbed out eyes you gaze at that sky with blue hue .
Your insides feel as if they have been beaten black and blue ,
Bearing all what fate at you threw .
What fate doled out to you to stuff in your stash,
Was fit only to be thrown in trash .

You can go on a spade,
And a goodbye to everyone you can bade.
For the path your life would had long before been laid.
Before your birth your death certificate had been made .
Let that path lead you to the cliff ,
And then you can go down in a whiff .

29-11-2011

And today is a hollow day . Everything inside seems to be hollow , dry , empty . I feel directionless , purposeless like a blind man walking in blinding light who may be surrounded by all the resources that can aid him but is simply oblivious to them . I wish to fade into the oblivion for the optism to thrive in this domain has disappeared . I don't know why it is me . Why i can't break free .

I just want to close my eyes . There are no tears which are streaming from my eyes . Hollowness doesn't have an associated emotion , what it has is plain disocciation . A detachment that seems to be unmoving in temprament .

Don't worry if none of this makes sense , these are my thoughts which sometimes become too dense . i wonder , in fact i even ponder . To look for the origin of these thoughts which cloud my cerebral region but to no avail . I won't give a wail , even when i fail . Pardon me if my tale sounds a bit stale . I couldn't fabricate something out of the blue , that for all rhyme and reason will have you glued .

25-11-2011

The morning afterneath a dpressive episode is one of the worst because everyth9ing that you taught yourself in the recent times to help you cope up with this part of you is all gone . The 1st thing which you notice after waking up is how hollow it feels inside , how blank your mind is . You try to remeber the things you did daily , your daily routine , your daily thoughts which you had but not much comes to your mind instantly , it is all blank . Inside you give a small cry of despair but you know that you must move begin to make your way through the day for your life is still going on and if you waste time right now then later when you will recover yoyu will find a huge time deficit in your hands so I drag my sorry ass to the mess , have breakfast then come back and realizing that in my empty mind even the motivation to work is gone so before my mind diecides to get caught and strangled by some useless depressing thought I go back to the welcoming arms of my bed and lie there for a while . I recollect and realize that I am slowly and finally able to recognize when a dpressive episode is about to come . Last night was the farewell treat of mty department at thali house . Sitting there i had begun to realize that not everything is alright or as it should be for I was paying way too much attention to what people were doing how they were behaving , their interpersonal interactions  , thionsg which weren't helping me in anyway except for bring9ing astrange expression on my face at times . I had to back my mask of enthusiasm and energy towarsds the end of the treat for I wassitting too silent , which was totally unlike me ( considering that I had just got a 40 out of 40 in cp that day itself , I sghpuld have been far more exuberant than what i was ) . I continued actinvg around with my mask on .When we were returning back from Thali House i deliberqately stayed behind so that I could come with seniors otherwise if i would have come with my batchies my silence would have definitely made me wonder for I had gotten tired of moving around in my mask . We reached t lawns and then our cosacan and our coord for the next year were chosen . While sitting there the thoughts had begun to hit me . I made a final attempt and this time insted of an overentued  mask put on one that made me seem slightly tired but enthued at the same time . After when that was done and the seniorboys party headed tpo connoaught I stayed behind with Nikhil so that i wouldn't have to accompany them .but then I got a call from sohaan to come to connaught for sure and my irritation knew no bounds .I talked to him in an irritated and angry tone which made boxer call me and tell me that if i wanted to come I could come adn it was totally upto me > I went to ANC and on Nikhil's id card had a couple of glasses of hot chocolate , the deprssive thoughts were hitting me one after the other like cannon balls and I knew that if I didn't go back to my room numbed my senses and fell asleep I'd be soon pulling at my hairs . So after draining two glasses of fat filled hot chocolate down my throat I rushed as fast as I could to my room , which I cleaned up while numbing my mind and blanking it out and then I swiched off the light and lay in myu bed abd fell asllep finally . 

This recollection is now done and I get up from my bed once again to fill that all that emptiness and hollowness in side with the happiest of thoughts of emotions that i'll be able to find for one thing I have decide is  that no matter how many times i fall on the ground , i'll get back up for another round . :)

Darkness

Today you are all weak ,
Like a corpse you reek .
Over a waterfall you want to be carried by a creek .
Insidde you mre broke ,
So weak you are like a toad your pains you croak ,
You are sitting on a fire of troubles all well stoked .
inside out you are burning ,
The insides of your mind are churning .
Getting finished in you is the yearning ,
To resuscitate yourself .
For so much of sorrow have you gulped .
You are trapped in a place so dark ,
That even if Noah came on his ark
Your cries he won't be able to hark .

Alone in the that dark land .
Surrounded by your demons' band ,
Who after tying behind your back your hands .
Force feed you pain morsel by morsel .
Even as  all the while them veins threaten to burst ,
Of your brain dorsal.
The circle of shadows that is on rthe ground
Mirrors the circles that surround your eyes
Those very ones Which are  teary
Half closed and bleary .
Drip , drip blood tears begin to drip ,
Even as you feel them quiver lips ,
To say those words ,
Which may just be your final .