29-11-2011

And today is a hollow day . Everything inside seems to be hollow , dry , empty . I feel directionless , purposeless like a blind man walking in blinding light who may be surrounded by all the resources that can aid him but is simply oblivious to them . I wish to fade into the oblivion for the optism to thrive in this domain has disappeared . I don't know why it is me . Why i can't break free .

I just want to close my eyes . There are no tears which are streaming from my eyes . Hollowness doesn't have an associated emotion , what it has is plain disocciation . A detachment that seems to be unmoving in temprament .

Don't worry if none of this makes sense , these are my thoughts which sometimes become too dense . i wonder , in fact i even ponder . To look for the origin of these thoughts which cloud my cerebral region but to no avail . I won't give a wail , even when i fail . Pardon me if my tale sounds a bit stale . I couldn't fabricate something out of the blue , that for all rhyme and reason will have you glued .

25-11-2011

The morning afterneath a dpressive episode is one of the worst because everyth9ing that you taught yourself in the recent times to help you cope up with this part of you is all gone . The 1st thing which you notice after waking up is how hollow it feels inside , how blank your mind is . You try to remeber the things you did daily , your daily routine , your daily thoughts which you had but not much comes to your mind instantly , it is all blank . Inside you give a small cry of despair but you know that you must move begin to make your way through the day for your life is still going on and if you waste time right now then later when you will recover yoyu will find a huge time deficit in your hands so I drag my sorry ass to the mess , have breakfast then come back and realizing that in my empty mind even the motivation to work is gone so before my mind diecides to get caught and strangled by some useless depressing thought I go back to the welcoming arms of my bed and lie there for a while . I recollect and realize that I am slowly and finally able to recognize when a dpressive episode is about to come . Last night was the farewell treat of mty department at thali house . Sitting there i had begun to realize that not everything is alright or as it should be for I was paying way too much attention to what people were doing how they were behaving , their interpersonal interactions  , thionsg which weren't helping me in anyway except for bring9ing astrange expression on my face at times . I had to back my mask of enthusiasm and energy towarsds the end of the treat for I wassitting too silent , which was totally unlike me ( considering that I had just got a 40 out of 40 in cp that day itself , I sghpuld have been far more exuberant than what i was ) . I continued actinvg around with my mask on .When we were returning back from Thali House i deliberqately stayed behind so that I could come with seniors otherwise if i would have come with my batchies my silence would have definitely made me wonder for I had gotten tired of moving around in my mask . We reached t lawns and then our cosacan and our coord for the next year were chosen . While sitting there the thoughts had begun to hit me . I made a final attempt and this time insted of an overentued  mask put on one that made me seem slightly tired but enthued at the same time . After when that was done and the seniorboys party headed tpo connoaught I stayed behind with Nikhil so that i wouldn't have to accompany them .but then I got a call from sohaan to come to connaught for sure and my irritation knew no bounds .I talked to him in an irritated and angry tone which made boxer call me and tell me that if i wanted to come I could come adn it was totally upto me > I went to ANC and on Nikhil's id card had a couple of glasses of hot chocolate , the deprssive thoughts were hitting me one after the other like cannon balls and I knew that if I didn't go back to my room numbed my senses and fell asleep I'd be soon pulling at my hairs . So after draining two glasses of fat filled hot chocolate down my throat I rushed as fast as I could to my room , which I cleaned up while numbing my mind and blanking it out and then I swiched off the light and lay in myu bed abd fell asllep finally . 

This recollection is now done and I get up from my bed once again to fill that all that emptiness and hollowness in side with the happiest of thoughts of emotions that i'll be able to find for one thing I have decide is  that no matter how many times i fall on the ground , i'll get back up for another round . :)

Darkness

Today you are all weak ,
Like a corpse you reek .
Over a waterfall you want to be carried by a creek .
Insidde you mre broke ,
So weak you are like a toad your pains you croak ,
You are sitting on a fire of troubles all well stoked .
inside out you are burning ,
The insides of your mind are churning .
Getting finished in you is the yearning ,
To resuscitate yourself .
For so much of sorrow have you gulped .
You are trapped in a place so dark ,
That even if Noah came on his ark
Your cries he won't be able to hark .

Alone in the that dark land .
Surrounded by your demons' band ,
Who after tying behind your back your hands .
Force feed you pain morsel by morsel .
Even as  all the while them veins threaten to burst ,
Of your brain dorsal.
The circle of shadows that is on rthe ground
Mirrors the circles that surround your eyes
Those very ones Which are  teary
Half closed and bleary .
Drip , drip blood tears begin to drip ,
Even as you feel them quiver lips ,
To say those words ,
Which may just be your final .

Its just one of those dark days !

Its just one of those dark days ,

When not even the Sun's omnipresent rays

Are ready to let you be illuminated ,

Acting with you as if they were disgusted .

Its just one of those dark days ,

When you have gone astray,

And try as hard as you may,

You just can't seem to go back on your way .

Its just one of those dark days ,

When you have got lost in your thought's maze ,

And even with all your might ;

You seem unable to end your plight .

Its just one of those dark days,

When you with yourself are in a fray ,

And no matter who will triumph in this argument ,

Its you who will lose ,its apparent .

Its just one of those dark days ,

When you wish you were set ablaze ,

And alighted see the day get over ,

And melt into the night which will take over ,

And you will no longer have to cower. :(