Tick Tock Rumblings

Tick - tock, tick - tock;

Goes my dear dusty clock .

Its hands move steady ,

Even as I become heady

For the drops down my throat I pour

And i begin to envisage the closing of the door .

My head begins to rumble
There are so many thoughts I fumble .

Why is death feared so much ?

Is it so bad, so gruesome, is it such ?

Why is it they fear its touch ?

Can it worse than being caught in the clutch

Of the demon that resides inside you ?

Which grace with its ill presence only  a few .

Is its pain worse than that of a  heartbreak ?

That can cause you to unmake.

It makes you view the world with tinted glasses .

And you lost your faith in the masses .

So what is it about death that people fear so much  ?

Why is their a fuss as such ?

Isn't death a mere retreat ,

Where after the long walk of life you can rest your feet ?

And at last receive,
That much needed reprieve .

Tick - tock , tick - tock ;

Goes my dear dusty clock .

Its hands move steady ,

Even as I become heady

For the drops of repieve down my throat continue to go ,

And then with a thud closes the door .

Spreading The Cheer :)

Ok , first of all I'd like to mention that it feels strange ,
something almost akin to learning a new skill as I pick up my pen
to write . It has been 10 days since I have been home and nothing
of note has happened . If I had a diary whose pages I was used to
filling then I can assure you that the entry for the last 10 days
would have all been the same and said ,"I lived my day . No
more."

When I think of it in a leisurely manner I realize that it is
strange , that even though I lived my day and no more for these
past 10 days still ; at the end of each and every day there wasq
a sense of fulfilment that overcame me , of a kind which I hadn't
really experienced in a while . Maybe this is what the season of
joy is meant to do to you . So even as I sit here on this
christmas eve writing this I feel happiness and a feeling of
contentmenrt spread through me , through my entire being and no
it is not because I have won an unexpected lottery(though I can't
argue that it wouldn't be nice if I did :) , or have gotten
unexpectd fame , or made inexplicable gain . It is just this
wonderful festival that is doing that is bringing all of these
good feelings to my heart . 

I am no christian , in fact I have no faith in the concept of God
or his kingdom of the High skies still I believe that it doesn't
hurt to spread a little cheer around. Does it ? So use this day
to spread cheer and happiness around you , amongst those less
fortunate , having not so considerate people as you all to look
after them . Wish you all a Merry Christmas . :)

The walk down the road

This is the story of a walk down a road which I took a few days back .

Keep out the wind

Shut the blinds ,
Before in comes the bad wind ,
With a voice that bemoans
Of all the bad omens
That are to come .
It hums :
Of all the evil
That the devil
On me has let loose .
And while He will snooze
The work will be done .
For all the hope will by then be gone ,
Warding off all the evil on my own ,
My heart will have turned to stone .
The loneliness will have me changed ,
Will have me deranged .
Will have me transformed ,
To a form so cold .
That it will make everyone wonder
If my body does hold
A single drop of warm blood .
That so easily does seem to flood
The insides of everyone else .

So shut the blinds ,
Before in comes the bad wind
To make me lose the inner peace
That comes to me in such tiny pieces .

He who doles it all

No matter how I look at it ,
I feel I am doomed
To never have my wishes fulfilled .
I wish my life shrouded in gloom could end in a boom ,
But how could that happen .
For that'll mean the fulfilment
Of a wish of mine .
Which is unacceptable to Him .
He who on strange whims ,
Keeps on hurting me ,
Keeps on doling out hardships to me .
As if they were the alms ,
And I were a beggar begging for them for free .

I scream , I screech , I shout .
I writhe in agony as my pain make me feel its clout ,
Never you doubt ,
That in my life can't creep in happiness .
For He who doles it all is a creep ,
And He takes pleasure in making me weep .
My hardships can never be over ,
For He likes to see me cower .
I beg Him to show a little mercy ,
To be a bit slower .
In doling out to me all the pain and misery
Which adds to my drudgery .

But to no avail ,
To al my wails he turns a deaf ear .
For He likes to see the pain through me sear .
He continues to burn me ,
The insides of my mind he continues to churn .
I am breaking into pieces ,
When I finally fall apart ,
Some stranger reading this come and pick up my parts ..

Fire puts out fire

Have you ever noticed how one fire puts out another , eating into the very core of its existence ; it forces the other fire out of existence , cutting off its connection from its source of sustenance . Well so is pain , one pain will always drive the other one out of your consciousness . So what will happen if to drive away one pain from your mind you indulge in another and get caught up in the vicious chain . How do you put an end to that chain?

It comes pouring out

Tear out my heart from my bosom
Like you tear away from a plant a bud about to blossom
Make me bleed ,
Tears of deprieve
For baby that is what you want to do
Oh that is what you want to do


You want to hurt me and go
All the memories that we never hadtogether you want to throw
Like a croaking crow
Away you want to shoo me


Yes, I know you don't care
O my lady fair
When you'll leave my life will becomes bare
And like a land barren it will lie here


You don't give a damn
O ma'am
For you think it is a sham
The look of pain that is floating on my face


You drive me to the edge
So why not come and drive me over
Why let me suffer
Why let me cowwer


I know it is my fate so bleak
That I had to drink from your love's creek
So know push me into that creek
So that soon I turn into a corpse that reeks

I should have tried to hold everything back
But how could I for I had to get my heart hacked
So as I finally lie under my resting spot
It all comes pouring out .

Whisper

Whisper in my ears o Death
The lullaby that will put me to sleep
Why do you walk with stealth
When you are the one who''l help me to take that leap
Who'll take me away from all this darkness
From all this madness
That has been tying me down like a straitjacket
The pain comes to me in packets
each new one bigger than the one before
That washed up to my consciouness' shore


Whisper in my ears o Death
The lullaby that wil put me to sleep
Won't you help me get rid of my breath
For each one of it is accompanied by a tear that I weep
For the mistakes that I made
That are forcing me to bade goodbye
To everything that once was dear to me

whisper in my ears o Death
The lullaby that will put me to sleep
A deadly blow to me He has already dealt
Let that cut though deep
While the pain of it all you numb
I no longer want to live tbhis life as a stump
And watch as once again someone draws you away .
So let me die my way .
Let me die my way .

Let My Soul Flow

And this is the first song that I ever wrote .Will someday put music to it .
Rip out the strings of my heart
Help me to tear myself apart
Baby you can do that
We know you can do that
Because you are just like that


You will ike to watch me go down in flames
But all of it on me you'l blame
You feel that I'm lame
To love you so much
For you are such .
Yes you are such

I would have gone with you til the end of horizon
But I am afraid you'll love to more to pour in me poison
To get rid of my burden .
You are so certain
Of my futility
As a used up utility
You wil toss me away
Out of your way
You will kick me
But baby you'll love it
We know you''l love it



Baby help me get rid of my soul
For you have made too big a hole
In my heart
That is lyning on it hinges ready to blow apart
That I can never fill it
No, I ca never fill it
Let my spirit flow out through it
Let the wind blow out with it .



Drive through my heart a stake
That is all it'l take
To free me and you
To let me bask in the glory of red hue
You already gave me the pleasure
Of losing what I treasure
Baby you can do it again
We know you can do it again
You can make my heart get rid of al its pain
Just tear down my sinews
Then maybe I'll start anew
Or maybe in a ghastly form be lost
Never to be found again
With the pain ripping through my soul
I Wil drown in my heart hole .

The bubble pops

Like a bubble that dies with a pop .
So in you die the last vestiges of hope .
It never serves you well to dream ,
Of the realms that weren't meant to be yours,
Of a life that you'll never get to live .
Believe me when I say this , do believe .

As the helplessness washes over you
And with numbed out eyes you gaze at that sky with blue hue .
Your insides feel as if they have been beaten black and blue ,
Bearing all what fate at you threw .
What fate doled out to you to stuff in your stash,
Was fit only to be thrown in trash .

You can go on a spade,
And a goodbye to everyone you can bade.
For the path your life would had long before been laid.
Before your birth your death certificate had been made .
Let that path lead you to the cliff ,
And then you can go down in a whiff .

29-11-2011

And today is a hollow day . Everything inside seems to be hollow , dry , empty . I feel directionless , purposeless like a blind man walking in blinding light who may be surrounded by all the resources that can aid him but is simply oblivious to them . I wish to fade into the oblivion for the optism to thrive in this domain has disappeared . I don't know why it is me . Why i can't break free .

I just want to close my eyes . There are no tears which are streaming from my eyes . Hollowness doesn't have an associated emotion , what it has is plain disocciation . A detachment that seems to be unmoving in temprament .

Don't worry if none of this makes sense , these are my thoughts which sometimes become too dense . i wonder , in fact i even ponder . To look for the origin of these thoughts which cloud my cerebral region but to no avail . I won't give a wail , even when i fail . Pardon me if my tale sounds a bit stale . I couldn't fabricate something out of the blue , that for all rhyme and reason will have you glued .

25-11-2011

The morning afterneath a dpressive episode is one of the worst because everyth9ing that you taught yourself in the recent times to help you cope up with this part of you is all gone . The 1st thing which you notice after waking up is how hollow it feels inside , how blank your mind is . You try to remeber the things you did daily , your daily routine , your daily thoughts which you had but not much comes to your mind instantly , it is all blank . Inside you give a small cry of despair but you know that you must move begin to make your way through the day for your life is still going on and if you waste time right now then later when you will recover yoyu will find a huge time deficit in your hands so I drag my sorry ass to the mess , have breakfast then come back and realizing that in my empty mind even the motivation to work is gone so before my mind diecides to get caught and strangled by some useless depressing thought I go back to the welcoming arms of my bed and lie there for a while . I recollect and realize that I am slowly and finally able to recognize when a dpressive episode is about to come . Last night was the farewell treat of mty department at thali house . Sitting there i had begun to realize that not everything is alright or as it should be for I was paying way too much attention to what people were doing how they were behaving , their interpersonal interactions  , thionsg which weren't helping me in anyway except for bring9ing astrange expression on my face at times . I had to back my mask of enthusiasm and energy towarsds the end of the treat for I wassitting too silent , which was totally unlike me ( considering that I had just got a 40 out of 40 in cp that day itself , I sghpuld have been far more exuberant than what i was ) . I continued actinvg around with my mask on .When we were returning back from Thali House i deliberqately stayed behind so that I could come with seniors otherwise if i would have come with my batchies my silence would have definitely made me wonder for I had gotten tired of moving around in my mask . We reached t lawns and then our cosacan and our coord for the next year were chosen . While sitting there the thoughts had begun to hit me . I made a final attempt and this time insted of an overentued  mask put on one that made me seem slightly tired but enthued at the same time . After when that was done and the seniorboys party headed tpo connoaught I stayed behind with Nikhil so that i wouldn't have to accompany them .but then I got a call from sohaan to come to connaught for sure and my irritation knew no bounds .I talked to him in an irritated and angry tone which made boxer call me and tell me that if i wanted to come I could come adn it was totally upto me > I went to ANC and on Nikhil's id card had a couple of glasses of hot chocolate , the deprssive thoughts were hitting me one after the other like cannon balls and I knew that if I didn't go back to my room numbed my senses and fell asleep I'd be soon pulling at my hairs . So after draining two glasses of fat filled hot chocolate down my throat I rushed as fast as I could to my room , which I cleaned up while numbing my mind and blanking it out and then I swiched off the light and lay in myu bed abd fell asllep finally . 

This recollection is now done and I get up from my bed once again to fill that all that emptiness and hollowness in side with the happiest of thoughts of emotions that i'll be able to find for one thing I have decide is  that no matter how many times i fall on the ground , i'll get back up for another round . :)

Darkness

Today you are all weak ,
Like a corpse you reek .
Over a waterfall you want to be carried by a creek .
Insidde you mre broke ,
So weak you are like a toad your pains you croak ,
You are sitting on a fire of troubles all well stoked .
inside out you are burning ,
The insides of your mind are churning .
Getting finished in you is the yearning ,
To resuscitate yourself .
For so much of sorrow have you gulped .
You are trapped in a place so dark ,
That even if Noah came on his ark
Your cries he won't be able to hark .

Alone in the that dark land .
Surrounded by your demons' band ,
Who after tying behind your back your hands .
Force feed you pain morsel by morsel .
Even as  all the while them veins threaten to burst ,
Of your brain dorsal.
The circle of shadows that is on rthe ground
Mirrors the circles that surround your eyes
Those very ones Which are  teary
Half closed and bleary .
Drip , drip blood tears begin to drip ,
Even as you feel them quiver lips ,
To say those words ,
Which may just be your final .

Its just one of those dark days !

Its just one of those dark days ,

When not even the Sun's omnipresent rays

Are ready to let you be illuminated ,

Acting with you as if they were disgusted .

Its just one of those dark days ,

When you have gone astray,

And try as hard as you may,

You just can't seem to go back on your way .

Its just one of those dark days ,

When you have got lost in your thought's maze ,

And even with all your might ;

You seem unable to end your plight .

Its just one of those dark days,

When you with yourself are in a fray ,

And no matter who will triumph in this argument ,

Its you who will lose ,its apparent .

Its just one of those dark days ,

When you wish you were set ablaze ,

And alighted see the day get over ,

And melt into the night which will take over ,

And you will no longer have to cower. :(

The Loss

You sometimes lose people whom you love very much , about whom you care and you whole world comes crashing down. I have just tried to portray that pain .

someday i will finish this

In the darkness of the night
I see a light
A light that seems to be cold
That seems to be beckoning me
To mould me
To hold me in its arms
While it went about the task
Of giving me a new shape
Of changing my face
To something it felt were more suited
To be in this world
Or else I'll be booted .

I am drawn towards it
My steps taking me towards it
Against my will
I try to be still
But to no avail

I feel myself becoming pale
As I am unable to fathom
Whatever is happening
To me
I feel the light
Glow with a strange glee
As it

And it happens in parts

The parts of me have begun to die
They wriggle they try
But to no avail
They wail,
They out gloomy cries
As one by one they lose their lives .

When I was born
I never imagined
That I would be meted
Such a fate
That i'll begin to hate ,
Not only myself but my whole existence
That i'll become a menance
To my own sanity .
I never knew
That I will be bereft
Of all beautiful thoughts
That in my mind
Only darkness will house
Which , like a cat chases a mouse
Will give me chase in my dreams
While I give out my silent screams
All the while wishing
That with the sound of swishing
Out of thin air
Will appear someone
Who will help me
Who will cure me of my yelps
Who will help me get out of this mess
Who will be my saviour in this stress

But to you I confess
That nothing more than wistful thinking was this
For a life of bliss
Was never meant to be mine
For i was meant to fall in death's chine

I too need a school

Let us not let anyone be left out from gaining education gaining knowledge . Let us listen to their cries  .

How to make a loser

How to make a loser ?

Take a man 

(Or if it pleases you a woman).

Make him feel secluded ,

From everyone he ever felt related .

Instill in him self doubt  ,

Just make sure you have the clout .

Mislead him from his path , 

Take away his eyes from the ambitions he hath .

No matter if he is uncouth or sleek ,

Just make him fee ,l his days will all be bleak .

Make him feel that his world is a battle ,

Here all his attempts to succeed will be fatal .

It does not matter if he is happy and gay ,

Just make him believe all he can do is survive his days.

Deep in his mind plant a vicious suicidal thought ,

Masquerading it as a thought he sought .

Let it root in his mind's pot ,

Till it finally begins to rot ,

And secluded ,

He begins to be deluded ,

By himself .

Watch him cower , 

Till all of it is over ,

As he loses his will to survive ,

And loses the hope to be revived .

So , these are the ingredients ,

Follow them with care for they are stringent ,

And thats how u make a loser .

And Sabotage I Did !

My defense had been up ,
My attack had been game ,
But all were left biting the dust in vain ,
When I decided to play the self sabotage game .

I took pleasure in my pain ,
I enjoyed as I got maimed ,
I got high ; on my own misery ,
Even as everything I did left me jittery .

My soul cried for help ,
My heart gave a yelp ,
Even as my emotions ran me over ,
My mind got high thinking as if it were in a bower .

Just like coke or meth , weed or L.S.D ,
The highs that i achieved began to ebb ,
It was the time to inflict further misery , 
So that i could get high even as i bled .

Thoughts on mourning

Sometimes you are so sad that you can't sleep , can't think , you lose track of time , all you do is just sit and grieve , but even when you grieve you don't seem to know what are you grieving for , what is it that you have lost , but still you don't seem to be able to stop for you have long gone past the point of no return .

Let it all end

Distorted thoughts ,
A mind that is in the rot ,
That is caught ,
In the fight ,
Between the forces of light
And darkness
Each trying to claim possession
Over me .

From their clutches ,I try to break free ,
But to no avail .
I give out wails,
Of pain.
I am crumbling under the strain .
Even as the rumbling thoughts in my head ,
Make me dread ,
That my head will explode ,
And I'll be left dead .

Maybe ,that is when everything will end
For my mind has gone beyond what can be mend
Even by my strongest will it can't be bend .
So comes from within me the cry ,
"Let it all end . "

Just a night

It is one of those nights ,

When the moon is out so bright ,

I don't want to sleep ,

All I want to do is weep .

Weep tears of blood.

My eyes , I want to let them flood .

With the blood that oozes from the wounds within my heart ,

Which it seems has been pierced with poisoned darts .

The pain which once rose there ,

Is spreading everywhere .

It is becoming too much to bear .

It has reached a feverish pitch ,

It has created a hole in my soul too large to stitch .

I wish there were some way to ditch ,

This pain .Before it maimed me .

But to no avail .

As my sobs turned to wails ,

I began to turn into a carcass pale .

Do you know ?

You have a look at me

And give out roars of laughter as if without a fee ,

I were a comedian doing a stand up act .

But do you even know them , the facts ?

That have brought me to this sorry state ,

That have made me curse my fate .

You exchange looks when you glimpse my contorted face ,

Which to you seems to be so out of place.

But do you even know of all the storms ?

That rage in the space above my face in so many forms

That make every fiber of being cry out in pain

Even though it my be in vain .

You joke about me behind my back.

About my lifelessness , about all the energy which I seem to lack ,

Even in the first hour of morn .

But do you even know that the whole of my previous night I had spend torn ?

Between conflicting thoughts of whether or not

To end it all

To take that one last fall ?

But why will you care ?

As long as you fare well ,

You will not change ,

Your ways so strange .

You will have fun at my expense

Even as I jump over paradise's fence .

Spare The Rod

Have you ever been abused by someone who claimed to do it for your good ? Do you know someone who has been ? Make him read this  . Make her understand , she is not alone .

I sit in the corner of the room ,
As I watch you pick up that half broken broom .
Instantaneously I am filled with trepidation ,
As I begin to have recollections ,
Of the previous times ,
When I committed all those so called crimes .

You advance towards me brandishing  ,
That half broken broom .
With each half step that you take ,
Oh you look so threatening .

The whacking sound which that broken handle makes
When it kisses my soft skin , even as I fake
My indifferent expression , makes me wince on the inside
Causes tides
Of pain to rise on the surface of my bag of bones ,
All the while as it makes deep gashes in my heart .

You say that each time you hurt me .
You are also pained  ,
But it is to ensure my gains ,
By the lesson that you teach me through you broken broom
That you cause me these pains ,

I ask you something ,
If you worry so much about me ,
Why can't you pay heed to my tries ,
my cries ?
That shout out loud ,

"Spare the rod ."

The Demons of my mind

I am infested by demons . They have infested the worst place inside of me that they could have possibly have infested "MY MIND" . my sanctuary .

Silence

The world around you is too loud you say ,
You'll only have silence around you if you could have your way.
Silence that envelopes you all around ,
That'll take away from your life all those senseless sounds .

Suddenly one day you have your say ,
And then  silence finally has its day,
Like the wind , it is everwhere ,
Leaving all the noises to shiver in fear .

But alas ! Sometimes the silence becomes too much .
Too much to bear .
There is so much of it that you begin to fear  ,
The silence which you once craved ,
Of which in this noisy world you felt depraved .
Now you have it , lots of it ,
If you ask me too much of it ,
Even when you look for it you don't have that singular voice that will break it
That'll end that silence , that'll wreck it .

What will you do ?

When your world is so dreary ,
That your existence feels nothing but misery .
When in your day ,
It's pain that has the most to say .
What will you do ?
Where will you go ?

When you are caught in a whirlpool of trouble ,
When you are trapped in hardships' bubble .
When even from the heavens what is raining on you are sorrows ,
And you are feeling harrowed .
Where will you go ?
What will you do ?

When even all your tries ,
Can't cure you of your cries ,
When inside,
No matter what you do you die .
What will you do ?
Where will you go ?

Die ! Die ! Die !

What happens when some part of you is down in the dumps that it just wants to die and it wants to take you along with it in your entirety . Will you listen to what it has to say .

Success Song

In this wretched land ,

Made of that seemingly worthless sand .

It is for successes for wins that everyone is famished ,

You either perform or perish .

If you cause your enemies to receede ,

And towards success you proceed  ,

Then it makes no difference if you are on your sanity's brink ,

For as long as your wins keep someone afloat, they won't let you sink .

For success you may have to snap that link  ,

Which to your sanity binds you my friend ..

Damage your enemies beyond the possibility of being mend ,

Torment them so much that they givee infuriated screams

Even in the midsgt of their nightly dreams .

Let your success for you take flight ,

So that they tale your worth to such new heights . 

So every moment that  for others you spend ,

Is valued more than the gold bullions a jeweler lends .

In your life of successes , of wins let there be no dearth .

For of this kingdom on earth ,

Either you become the  king,

Or remain nothing but a petty little thing.

It's a new life

You have the chance to satrt a new life . To turn things arround for you . So go set out on the path to turn things around for yourself . Go .....

It's just one of those dark days

Do you feel yourself sometimes living a day , a day so dark that try as you may you can't seem to lighten it up . This is a verse characterising such a day .

Somebody Save Me

When I set out on this path ,
It was merely out of wrath .
A wrath which I directed at myself ,
For missing all those opportunities granted by Himself .

I thought of making this walk on the path an adventure ,
But little did I knew that it would soon turn into a misadventure .
A nightmare which would become my waking reality ,
Which would crush me with unspeakble brutality ,
Which would change for worse my mentality ,
And which has driven me to fatality .

In the begining it was but a game ,
But  more than any contact sport it has left me maimed .
For the chaos that it caused in my mind unleashed all the demons that I had tamed .
Which in their turn pushed me to do things which can't even be named .

Many a times I tried to find my way back to the start ,
But each time all I managed was to wander off course like a lost hart .
Each new failure kicked one more bit of hope out from my heart
And I began to wonder what would bring back to me my long lost strong parts .

I had been naive
And brought misfortunes upon me that I could have staved
And as I lie here in my own grave
All I cry is for somebody to save me .

After The End

What will happen after the end ?

Musings Of An Atheist

The debate between theists and atheist is an old one . I am not here to debate but only to acknowledge that I am an atheist and share some of the thoughts and questions which made me one  .

I Have A Pretty Face

This is not my story . This is the story of a friend that I am trying to tell here . Please give it due respect .

When the glasses change hands

First of all this is a totally imaginary story and is not intended towards offending anyone and is written merely to help me get a better grip on my writing , a better understanding of it . So , all your positive as well as negative suggestions will be unequivocally and wholeheartedly welcomed .

Death comes

This is an imaginary poem .

Celebrate Life !

Take out a moment , celebrate life now for who knows which tempests you may have to weather tomorrow .

What kota taught me

Some of the life lessons which I was taught by the coaching junction kota .

Travel Diary , Part 1

And my experimentations with story writing continue .

2011 - An admission love story .

This is a simple story which I wrote  a couple of days ago .

High On Pain

What would you do if you were addicted to pain ?

Try . Don't lose hope !

When you fail don't you feel bad , somewhat like trash , wishing the earth to open up and swallow you right there and then . . I know I did . So I wrote this to cheer me up .Maybe it will do the same for you  what it did for me .

Do you know what is right and what is wrong  ? If yes , read on ....

Its Always In Your Hands

Do you think where you are right now is because of your fate which is acting against you out of spite ? Believe me , you cannot be any farther away from truth than this . Where you are right now is as much you own doing as it is of the universe , God , the Almighty .  Do you think that all the ill luck in the universe was meted out to you . Maybe , its time to dump this belief . I have my own say on this which I have presented in the form of a verse . So , read on .

When you want to end it all !

There are times when you are so overwhelmed from the happenings in your life , the resulting emotions that you just to give up and end it all. In such moments your rationality gives up , apparently tired by trying to find rational explanations to your emotions , but if you can pull yourself out of such a state , then you can reason out everything that is happening in your life . I know all about it because I have been in that state . It is to pull myself out from that state that I wrote the following verse . So read on ....